Empty Cage

Lately I have been wanting to write. Like, a lot, more than usual.

Normally I take out this kind of inclination on a writing forum I am a (disturbingly) active member on, but recently I have been a little reluctant to post there, possibly because current ideas are going vastly beyond the scope of the boards and I really don’t want them to have to deal with me. Besides which, I have a certain level of power there and so I feel more responsible for peacekeeping than enjoying myself.

But that, my beloved audience, in neither here nor there. The problem is the usual one, I want to write and then I suffer author’s ADD and cannot write anything that makes sense.

I have always had a lot of trouble focusing my writing into that razor point that fiction demands. I write vignettes like a fiend, and have had many a haiku phase (despite the fact that I am incapable of writing poetry that doesn’t make me embarrassed to show my face after a few months) but writing anything longer than four or five pages and I lose steam and/or inspiration. It’s maddening, though I suppose the alternative is almost as bad. I mean, god, I do not want to be one of those twenty-somethings with a novel. Honestly, I’m a philosopher. But I’m also a writer and it’s weird that despite the volume of writing I do not of it ever amounts to anything.

I have, for the past year become a raving Bret Easton Ellis fan, and I feel like his writing style is where mine would go if I earned my Attention Span Girl Guide Merit Badge. Sort of incoherent and scary because its dishevelled. My mother (yes internet, she also thinks I’m cool) has often told me my best writing is blog-style writing. This from the hip informality I’m currently taking now, yes, right this very second. And she may be on to something, my so called “polished” writing gets this really plastic feel to it.

Or, not even, what’s a goth word for plastic? Uhm… vinyl? Whatever, its this fake macabre stuff that every half assed eye liner wearing bugger vomits out when she’s feeling her emo tears getting heavy. I lose my charm when I don’t just vomit this stuff out as I go. Charm of course being that rough, snarly sort of personality that draws everyone to me. It’s why maybe if I wasn’t so disdainful maybe journalism would accept me for who I am.

Still no layout on this place. Hurrrrr.

I have blogger’s guilt.

Hardcore ‘I should use my powers over this small span of web wisely’ sort of blogger’s guilt. And I just got a job doing web related stuff is not helping since this place is shabby, derelict and really not my own design at all. I’m sort of sitting around for inspiration to percolate and its not really hitting like I had planned. To be sure there are things I want to write not the least of which involves verbally burning the school newspaper to the ground. Oh, Fulcrum, complaints about you make me happy.

Not the least of which it is two in the bloody morning again and I am trying to be coherent. I’m just going to make gurgling sounds for twenty minutes and hope that counts for a blog post.

Actually, what I’m going to do is set up Evolution to kick my ass every few days about this thing. Durrr-hurrr.

I’m going to confess, in elementary school and high school I was never really a mathy kid. Quite the contrary in fact, I think it was the fourth grade where my computational skills were markedly slower than all the other little kids… and I knew it. I seem to recall reasoning along the lines of ‘this is why we have calculators’. But in elementary school calculators are the infinitely dirty word of the school system. Computation is key, and if you’re behind in math, well maybe it’s just not your thing.

I have since learned that Math probably was my thing.

After all, I was a lifelong lover of science (and wisdom haha). I loved logic and reasoning puzzles. I liked when things worked out logically, solving problems and was always in awe of the world I was a part of. It was sort of my thing, the nerd. I think this was how I eventually ended up in Philosophy. Math was definitely not my thing, and you can’t go into science or technology without math, and so I found myself in Philosophy arguably the most scientific of the arts.

I remember so clearly in high school, you are either in the science stream or the arts one. Period. You’re either an impractical hippie or a humourless drone. Job, or soul. Like its some kind of either or thing. And for me the rock in the road was always the mathematics. I could build a computer program in grade 10, but I was completely an artsie. Obviously. I took history and stuff, and always had my ass handed to me in math.

When you want to understand the all encompassing everything though these lines make things difficult. And this all started when I couldn’t multiply as fast as the others in the fifth grade.

It started to occur to me over the past few years that math is something interesting. I took Pre-Calculus last year under the pretence of needing it for a Computer Science Minor (technically true, but I could have minored in any number of things that wouldn’t have needed math). I’d been under some sort of personal conviction that mathematics was something that I should be good at.

I still had my ass handed to me.

The difference was I wasn’t left hopeless and convinced I wasn’t a math kid. I actually came out curious, yeah, okay, marks did not reflect but my memories of the class were a barrage of equations, minimal explanations, hellfire, all at eight thirty in the morning. Not the prof (actually a grad student)’s fault, tons of material, no time etc. But I think what I won there was a springboard and the confidence to keep going, despite my GPA begging I stop being so cruel to it.

And so I think, Philosophy of Math, Philosophy of Science, Philosophy of Technology. These things all exist. The thought of Physics and Philosophy makes me giddy, string theories, movement. Unfortunately this is all stuff I have to go backwards to learn so that I can apply ideas to what I think. Because back in High School I was an artsie kid, and taking science or math would only serve to drop my average and then no university would ever take me. And besides– a structured major at any University is not open to this idea, they want you to learn Science or Philosophy. One or the other, take your pick.

This is the part that gets me. I’m going to school to learn. Obviously. This is what school is for. But I am not allowed to learn what I want to learn. Instead I have to hedge around what I have an aptitude for to keep my GPA in check, or my average high. So I was told I wasn’t good at math, yeah, I still would probably take a few minutes to recall 7×8 but math and science aren’t even close to being about that. I understand why they have to do this, not every student — hell — most students don’t want to learn. They want the paper, the degree or the diploma and I can accept that. But I think as far as those of us who want to learn we have been put in the most hostile environment of all time.

When I said I had my writing back I said nothing about my blog.

Okay, it’s been an age since I’ve had something to blog about (okay, not really true, something to blog about and time, or time and something to blog about — seems to be mutually exclusive). That or its too personal to share with the web.

I’ll just sit here and blearily stare at the screen.

Yeah.

Okay, well, forgive me, but if Quill & Quire’s whole best seller page is being eaten by paper thin terribly written vampires I think an intervention needs to be staged.

As I understand it, Twilight is one of those book conglomerates that you either love to the point where you leave your boyfriend (or… girlfriend, not be be gender exclusive) for the idea that ‘Edward’ might really be out there somewhere and not gay or married (as all the ‘good men’ allegedly are) or you hate Twilight more than Hitler and the Teletubbies combined. It’s a really toss up. I’m sure it doesn’t take a garbage man to figure out what camp your noble writer falls into.

Not that I don’t understand reading books that are wholly self indulgent and hold little-to-no literary value whatsoever. I read Battle Royale and I liked it god damn you, and no one can take that from me. And if you liked Twilight and its bastard half vampire offspring then I’m not going to shun you for having poor taste. But I think lines need to start being drawn in the sand. Like every gay basher, racist, and Twilight hater I’m going to preface this entry by saying I have friends who love Twilight, I don’t dislike them for this I just simply think their fanaticism is misplaced. Especially when Trainspotting exists, now Sick Boy, there’s a character to lust after.

The problem I have is like a visible and clearly isolated example of the problem I have with society in general. At least, its one of them. (Oh the humanity, a society rant, kill me right?) I hate that people tolerate having a big huge target painted on their backs. The fact that there is practically a mathematic formula for crap that people will throw their money at scares the shit out of me. And the fact that Stephanie-fucking-Meyer cashed in on it before I got the chance to, that also pisses me off. For a culture so proud of moving forward in toleration of differences people can still outwit us and return us to the base question ‘Is this what I want, or is that what other people want me to want?’

I’m a firm believer that we should not have to dumb down society to keep up with its slower members. But when a whole shelf of the bookstore is set aside for Vampire Lit it amazes me that people think ‘Oh let’s buy this!’ rather than ‘People with too much money are cashing in on the fact that one author had success.’

As always this returns me to my pet rant of the improper use of media. We have so many ways to transmit information, so many outlets, and granted, we can’t all write thoughtful and insightful pieces all the time (I, for example, never do) but I feel as though with so much thought power and access we are wasting creativity. Don’t get me started on the homogenization of the games industry I may cry or something.

Anyways, I should get back to being productive, I just needed to type a bit of that out.

This entry has nothing to do with reading, I’m almost done number four, but I don’t want my blog to be all book reviews (especially since I haven’t really gotten the hang of how to write a good review).

Does anyone remember MySpace? (Ha ha, internet snob joke). I have one, I’m serious, I don’t really “use it” (because very few honestly claim they still use their myspace) I do find it interesting that I have 41 friends on myspace and 281 on Facebook, which do YOU think is closer to the truth. But as I recall my myspace always had the default layout because I couldn’t be arsed to write a whole entire style sheet for one. (Oh, the horror, I know).

Anyways, my wonderful friend Sean, who is a brilliant guitarist has asked me to redesign his HisSpace… MySpace ish (http://myspace.com/hucksfin). And I’m just now trying to learn how to work this system. I mean it used to be retina scalding blue with a MS Paint banner, so I can’t do worse than that… but there are slight differences that are holding up the creative process. And I feel terrible because I really want this to look great for Sean. I’ve been thinking something in warm colours like brown and taupe, but I’m kind of just making this up. At any rate, I’d advice you to listen to his tunes, they’re great — not so much my style, but Sean and I have agreed to disagree on our music tastes. Like myself and Andrew, we like all the same bands but all opposite tracks.

In other news, I’m almost ready go face redesigning Empty Cage, and stop hiding behind Amber and the nice people at skindownloadland. Amber’s layout was way nicer than this one, but I’ve suddenly fallen in love with lighter layouts, and wanted EC to be bright for a bit. I’ve been reading a lot about webdesign the past little while because I’ve been wanting to evolve how all my websites look. I mean, comparing In Flames to Valour pretty much says it all for my web transformation.

The plan is that Empty Cage will become almost exclusively blog, hub, and personal details (with maybe some writing and stuff — but I have a fiction press account and a deviant art account that I can use for that…).  Let’s face it, what more was EC ever, really? My guides are entirely too smarmy to be much worth anything. And really, the blog is the only part I ever feel like updating. I hope to have http://27.empty-cage.net up soon for a small portfolio to show the people mum throws at me when they want a website designed. I want the root of the domain to be for me, but showing off the whining in my blog might be bad for business. Plus I’d feel like a twit sticking prices on here, given I am asses at webdesign compared to most of my friends — the only advantage I have is a good manager.

I hope to add more character Fansites to Empty Cage, and I think my next major project is Loyalties (the Regulus Black Fanlisting) while I polish off the Inuyasha manga at One Manga so Cursed can be properly done, and finish the Sailor Moon SNES game so I can finish that page for In Flames. Reducing EC to minimums gives me the time to focus on all my other pages that need some loving. I think one day I’d love to create a ‘full domain manager thing’ where the premise would be like wordpress but it can also create and manage all your subdomains. So, one log in panel and I can tweak a page on any site. Something like this probably already exists, but I’ve never seen it.

I’m getting back into my C++ again (which isn’t helpful for websites, but I enjoy it) because I was a master of things that never got out of the console, but, what I want to learn is programming in windows. I’m told PHP is a lot like C++ so maybe I can translate some of my skills into script writing. I’m not confident writing for the web though I’d fail and my script would get hacked and the interwebz would hate me. Seriously.

I’m also reading Calculus for Dummies, I’ve never taken Calculus before but for my Computer Science minor I have this phobia of everyone else being a calculus genius, and the best I can pull out of my arse being 1+1=5. Calculus I is not a required course, but I’m thinking about taking it anyways. Calculus, C++, 75 books, doesn’t my summer look fun? And I haven’t even found a job yet.

I think for once I’m going to finish a blog entry in its own time, I’m not distracted or just bored of writing, so yay me! Dad got a new monitor while I was at school and its one of those massively huge flat panel ones. Love it as I do it makes everything look small, and when I design on it I feel like I should fill it, which is such a bad idea. But it is very pretty, and I can see everything.

Anyways, I’m going to go read, and then maybe play some guitar!

I don’t think anything makes me smile as much as tacky Beatles music. Normally I’m a fan of the brooding psychedelic stuff that other people avoid like the plague. Think Revolution 9, Beatles fans, and you have it. But sometimes I want to listen to pure unbridled fluff. Lady Madonna, All you need is love, and Hey Jude. Something that is so cotton candy sickly sweet that I’m half embarrassed to listen to it, should someone notice.

I think sometimes this can even filter into how I want people to see me. I have this reputation for being very serious all the time, but sometimes I want to be fluff.

Not surprisingly as soon as I start getting settled in Fedora I get a big huge ka-boom moment where I thank the lord that I have two internal hard drives and on of them has good old slow, but pretty effective Windows Vista on it while I figure out how to make Fedora obey again. I do love a challenge but sometimes I have a moment of wondering why Windows is not still my primary OS. I know how Windows works, I can generally make it do stuff. With Fedora I am a complete dumbass.

But I love a challenge, so here I am about to put my Fedora drive back in to fix it. For the sake of making this entry semi-useful I’ll outline what happened and the fix I was given lest someone else around here stumble upon the same problem. I doubt it since no one reads my blog, but hey, maybe writing it out will help me.

Basically, what I did seemed like a good idea at the time. On Fedora a little orange iconishthing pops up from time to time that says ‘Hey, you need to update this sucker.’ Generally I do just that and everything works like a dream, however, this time a large problem occured. Upon rebooting my machine I noticed that my resolution on the login screen was weird. Thinking this to be some sort of thing the update was twaeking I attempted to log in. Only, well, all I’d get to see was a white screen and nothing else, though it seemed to have loaded alright. So, at this point yesterday we get a resounding sigh followed by a whispered ‘Aw, fuck me.’ before asking my room mate if I can use her computer for just a moment. She grudgingly obliges and I throw myself upon the mercy of the uber nerds.

I shall pause here to illustrate some details for the non-nerds out there. On the internet there is a geek hierarchy, a kind of feudal fifedom of various kingdoms and suchlike. Those with more knowlage rank higher than the morons who don’t even know what their GUI is, and couldn’t put in a new ram chip if their very soul depended upon it. I am around the middle ground generally, maybe lower middle, regardless. Because of this when I don’t know what to do I must fling myself upon the mercy of the great nerds.

Some people may think this is funny. And perhaps a hyperbole, but it is no such thing. Asking the internet for help is serious business, sometimes you get lucky and the great nerds are benevolent, granting you at least a grudging shove in the right direction, but should you offend them, or should they be in a not-so-great mood your request for help leads to naught but scorn. Should you point out you were simply asking for help and that there is no need to get touchy about anything you will be treated to group scorn. As the great nerds may insult your intelligence as they see fit, but you, pitiful help-asker must take all the scoffing and patronizing they can dish out.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I get helpful and concise messages from the great nerds, but this is mainly because I google first, say please, and thank you, type in proper English and usually know how to describe my problem. I also display a willingness to learn which I am told goes a long way. But sometimes, no matter how polite you are, the nerds feel mean.

So, now I have a solution, the problem is the driver for my graphics card isn’t yet compatible with my update, so I need to hit shift on booting and boot from an older update (or kernel). Hopefully I will then be able to use my machine until such a time as my graphics card is compatible, which should be soon they say. Crisis aborted. Phew.

In other news I beat Fable: The Lost Chapters, I played as Good and let me tell you I was a bad ass motherfucker despite playing a hero.

Because when I was little my favourite number was (and still is) twenty-seven I used to tell everyone my birthday was January 27th. Some people still think it is the 27th, and for some reason I can never bring myself to correct them. It’s amazing how often 27 has come up in my life after deciding it was my favourite number.

Oh my god, I’m almost twenty.