I have since learned that Math probably was my thing.

After all, I was a lifelong lover of science (and wisdom haha). I loved logic and reasoning puzzles. I liked when things worked out logically, solving problems and was always in awe of the world I was a part of. It was sort of my thing, the nerd. I think this was how I eventually ended up in Philosophy. Math was definitely not my thing, and you can’t go into science or technology without math, and so I found myself in Philosophy arguably the most scientific of the arts.

I remember so clearly in high school, you are either in the science stream or the arts one. Period. You’re either an impractical hippie or a humourless drone. Job, or soul. Like its some kind of either or thing. And for me the rock in the road was always the mathematics. I could build a computer program in grade 10, but I was completely an artsie. Obviously. I took history and stuff, and always had my ass handed to me in math.

When you want to understand the all encompassing everything though these lines make things difficult. And this all started when I couldn’t multiply as fast as the others in the fifth grade.

It started to occur to me over the past few years that math is something interesting. I took Pre-Calculus last year under the pretence of needing it for a Computer Science Minor (technically true, but I could have minored in any number of things that wouldn’t have needed math). I’d been under some sort of personal conviction that mathematics was something that I should be good at.

I still had my ass handed to me.

The difference was I wasn’t left hopeless and convinced I wasn’t a math kid. I actually came out curious, yeah, okay, marks did not reflect but my memories of the class were a barrage of equations, minimal explanations, hellfire, all at eight thirty in the morning. Not the prof (actually a grad student)’s fault, tons of material, no time etc. But I think what I won there was a springboard and the confidence to keep going, despite my GPA begging I stop being so cruel to it.

And so I think, Philosophy of Math, Philosophy of Science, Philosophy of Technology. These things all exist. The thought of Physics and Philosophy makes me giddy, string theories, movement. Unfortunately this is all stuff I have to go backwards to learn so that I can apply ideas to what I think. Because back in High School I was an artsie kid, and taking science or math would only serve to drop my average and then no university would ever take me. And besides– a structured major at any University is not open to this idea, they want you to learn Science or Philosophy. One or the other, take your pick.

This is the part that gets me. I’m going to school to learn. Obviously. This is what school is for. But I am not allowed to learn what I want to learn. Instead I have to hedge around what I have an aptitude for to keep my GPA in check, or my average high. So I was told I wasn’t good at math, yeah, I still would probably take a few minutes to recall 7×8 but math and science aren’t even close to being about that. I understand why they have to do this, not every student — hell — most students don’t want to learn. They want the paper, the degree or the diploma and I can accept that. But I think as far as those of us who want to learn we have been put in the most hostile environment of all time.

I feel like I should blog more, but whenever I have an idea for a blog post it is when I am smack dab in the middle of doing something else. I mean, my life isn’t the hyper exciting rocketship ride it was in the UK, but, so what, I’m still living right. In many ways that trip was bad for me, I expect everything to be exhilerating in my life now and get all pissy when I have to do the same old. Or find a fucking job.

Speaking of finding a job, holy bloody fuck is it getting hard. People don’t seem to get that I could care less about the recession but everywhere has a hiring freeze. You just want to yell at them ‘Well, fuck, you may not be hiring but they are still going to charge me several thousand dollars next year to go to school.” I know it isn’t the fault of individual companies, but do people have to be so agressive when refusing my resume. Shit. I may need to go back to Ottawa where I have more options.

Speaking of which, I finished my first year of University April 30th, I had an exam 7-10 which was the last possible time slot, and it was my hideous math exam from hell. But so far I’ve passed all my courses with just my Criminology mark to come in. Woohoo. I finally got my minor together too, so I am now a Philosophy Major with a Computer Science Minor.

Because this entry is doomed to be schitzophrenic due to the early hour that I am unloading my brain I guess I can babble about music for a bit, I’ve been getting into even more grunge tunes, not sure why, but lately Hole, Melvins, Meat Puppets and Butthole Surfers are getting a lot of play time here. I am in love with Plateau by the Meat Puppets and Pepper by the Butthole Surfers (I know, the commercial underground forgive me gods of indie for I have sinned)

Anyways, I thought I could write more of an entry but I’m drawing a big old blank. So, more entries soon, but sleep now.

EDIT:

I confess — I have Twitter.

I actually did some work on my own websites lately making a less crappy layout for the Timothy McGee (NCIS) Fanlisting. The layout is strongly based on all the stuff I did on the UPSA/AENP website, but it actually doesn’t look too terrible. I’m afraid I’m becoming a gradient addict though, which I must halt. I have a few more things I need to do before I can leave Timmy alone for awhile. Including, getting some codes for him (I’m having some problems with moving outlined text on the Gimp which is a hassle, I’m tempted to start booting my Windows Drive, spend a day making codes for all my fanlistings, zipping them, uploading them, and getting this shit DONE!) That and for some reason that beats the shit out of me the images for my affiliates are not showing up. I’m going to talk to Amber about it though, because she seems to have them working, and she is my most beloved hostee.

Speaking of hostees, I am about to start hosting my mom’s bookstore’s website, so if things get a bit traumatic over here in the next little while it’s because I’m trying to move her over. Currently she runs a wordpress install, but I feel like she should be on something else. Like, I can’t find a gallery script that is condusive to her technopeasantry, and according to her that is very important. Not sure why as she never updates. But perhaps one day this will be made clear to me. I’m not sure I really remember how to point her domain at a subdomain over here, but I’ll try. (Plus if I’m hosting her she’ll pay for my hosting package and all I need to pay for is my domain =D…)

I’m starting to actually feel like web design again. Which is completely unheard of, I’m writing notes for a Battle Royale site, I have bits and pieces of my Miroku site ready to be built up again. This cannot be a bad thing.

As some closing remarks on internet affairs, I plan on pulling ECNET apart a bit in the next little while. Basically, I’m going to make it more geared towards blogging and wigets (Twitter, Last.fm, etc.) and put less focus on the pages (that I don’t even really have to be honest). I hope to get some information hacked out soon, such as some reviews of the Linux Apps I’ve been using as well as some writing I’ve been doing. I plan on posting a few essays and stuff I’ve written (even if they’re for school if I find the subject matter interesting I’ll post it) but I think EC is going to be more of a spring board than any sort of use by itself. That’s kind of how it already is, but like, make it so you know that’s what it’s going to be and not expect something more. And it will validate strict… I promise myself. Hahahah. I love my domain so much, and it has never really… fit.

In other news, school, blargh. Well, sort of blargh, maybe like, half blargh. Because I decided to make my minor Computer Science I have to take Math. Which was one of those really terrible ideas I once had. The course is soundly kicking my ass into next month. And the final for it is on the last possible day, that would be April 30th! Which is pretty sucky. The worst part being that I have no idea what is going on in this class. I can only assume it is something appallingly difficult and leave it at that. For fear of my sanity.

I have more to say I think, but I should really be doing some school readings. Later.